its incredibly sureal to me that this is my life at the moment i'm trying not be too much of a retard that it all goes away.  i wouldn't put it past myself to do something wildly inappropriate purely because i can be a bit stupid and awkward when it comes down to it...

considering past experience it is taking a bit of getting used to having someone one want to spend time with me and not just say they want to spend time with me, believe me there is a gigantic diference in the two. it is becoming painfully obvious to me issues i think i have accumulated because of how i let myself be treated in the past.

anyway what i'm trying to say is that life is kinda fantastic right now if not a little bit scary at the same time...

I'm cheating by back dating this shhhh...



ains leaves this saturday, so sad :(

we've been living together for nearly three years so it's going to suck not having her around anymore, i will also miss her apple crumble, she makes the best apple crumble in the universe. i've not met anyone that wins at life as much as our ains she is completely on to it in everyway, no nonsense, gets things done, wouldn't hurt a fly, complete hilarious and adorable.

HR rang me today to ask when my last day at work was? apparently i had resigned without my knowledge?? huh?

i keep being surprised by someone though i guess when you have no expectations it's bound to happen but it's just still so out of the blue...

i've also surprised myself; i seem to be a lot more mature than i anticipated.

winter winter or summer summer?

okay so it turns out i haven't had a quiet weekend. i can't remember the last time i had a quiet weekend. this is bad cause it means i've been spending all my money and i've not had anytime to organise my life.

but good in so many other ways.

i got my passport finally, but canada plans have been on hold for the last few weeks for a number of reasons. i am hoping i can get off my ass and apply for my visa in the next two weeks. dates keep getting put back and to be fair i'm not really too upset about it at the moment my head is somewhere else entirely...

i've been a little lot distracted lately... in a good way...

things are so great at the moment.  i've had some really really fantastic weekends, its probably not good i've been hitting the bottle pretty hard. me thinks it will have to be a quiet one next weekend... didn't go to bed till 8am this morning so i'm feeling it... its all been worth it though fun times...

also I finally got my passport photos done and sent away my passport application so next step will be applying for my visa...

lots happening...

i'm feeling better this week, i'm a lot more positive and i'm being a lot less of a cunt.... i'm sure there's a collective 'thank fuck' from my workmates, flat mates, team mates, general mate mates....

i'm looking forward... i'm sick of feeling like shit about things that i can't change. this is the way the cards have fallen so i'm going to go with it and keep on keeping on.

lots of anxious anticipation at the moment for the big trip, i'm worried about it, about leaving the country, leaving my friends, going by myself, leaving my mum- i'm not sure how she'll deal with me being so far away, about what i'm going to do when i get back, about not having enough money, will i be able to do all the things i want to get done while i'm there, will i get a job, will i find friends, what if i hate it, what if i love it...

on the other hand i'm like fuck it, fuck you, fuck nz, lets go canada bring it on.

right now please.

patience has never been one of my virtues unfortunately.

I don't want to be the one who's sabotaging my own plans but i think thats what i'm subconsciously doing by putting things off and making excuses for why it's not getting done. i just need to pick one thing at a time and get it organised. need to stop fucking around in general really cause life is just passing on by. so the first little thing i'm picking is passport photos okay... feel free to kick my ass if this hasn't been done in the next little while (notice how i'm not putting an actual time limit on that... that's straight up non commitment for ya)
part of me is doubting my ability to follow through on canada, to actually make it over there, to survive over there and i really, really want to prove myself wrong.

found lots of pretty, pretty clothes that i only wish i could buy yesterday. i've been living in the same pair of jeans for the last nine months, this upsets me. i'm starting to feel like a homeless person... i fear i will remain single forever (funny to blame this on my lack of clothing when there are so many other reasons for me to be dateless  ha)

blonde, blonde, blonde, i've not been this blonde since i was nine...

things i wish i was better at:

singing : i love singing and sing all the time much to the horror of anyone with ears cause i can't hold a tune to save my life

standing up for myself : usually i'll just take what's being dealt no matter how undeserving it's quite a bit pathetic actually

football : it would be nice to be awesome at something i'm that passionate about

poker : i would love to kill at poker, also it would be less embarrassing when playing strip poker, previous experience has me losing all my clothes before anyone else has even lost a sock

going after what i want : in all aspects (people, experiences, skills...)  i will generally day dream about it without having the bottle to ask for or do any thing about it...

i'm sure that there are probably others but well yeah....

oh yeah bright spot in my annoyingly shit week my present from the uk arrived.... fuck yeah



ftr i have friend who went out of her way to organise going out and getting it for me then sending it all the way over to nz and she bloody well won't tell me her bank account yet, i haven't seen her in like five years shes rad and i miss her...

i may or may not have thrown a tantrum at training last night, lots of swearing and thrown drink bottles i need to deal with my shit cause i'm not really a cool person atm...

songs going round and round for me atm/ bonkers playlist :


naked if i want to : cat power

the wolves (act I & II) : bon iver

hummer : foals

paper planes : m.i.a

radio cure : wilco

heartbeats : jose gonzalez

sparks : royksopp

jump in : high places

banquet : bloc party

i'm slack but here i am...

i've been processing a lot of shitty things this week, found some stuff out that sucks (for me) and in turn has made me an eeyore, i'm trying to keep to myself as much as possible cause, fuck, honestly it sucks when people try to take you down with them don't you think... because of this i think my flatmates think i've disappeared of the face of the earth... i just don't feel much like answering the 'are you okay' question when i don't half know myself...

i just need to be able to stick to something for more than five minutes right now... training was going really well and then i managed to fuck up my leg completely,  part of which has only just now healed a month later... now its hard to get back into it. i feel blah...

pretty much everyone at work knows that i'm going to leave work for canada so its getting a little scary... like now i don't really have much of a choice either way... which lets face it i don't cause if i don't get out soon i will pretty much lose my mind...

i attempted a sketch last night for the first time in years and realised i'm am embarrassingly out of practice...

dry your eyes portion : 

i'm quietly excited about something being sent from a friend in the uk... only quietly cause i have no idea when it will reach me and i don't want to get my hopes up that its going to be here soon... but seriously it cannot come soon enough... i hate waiting

i finally started ec very interesting so far...

music is going very well for me right now... i've recently acquired through various means a lot of new stuff and it is not disapointing at all... the only problem is trying to stay off i tunes and keep from ordering more... seriously i've pages and pages of new stuff i haven't even gotten to hear yet and songs and songs i just can't afford to purchase right now... damn you canada if i weren't going i could drown in an endless supply of glorious new music...

i've been writing a little... i would like to be able to write more than one sentence and recently i've been able to string two together but nothing even close to resembling a vignette or drabble that makes sense...

.....so very glad that it is finaly the weekend

The pregnancy rumors are rife at porritt at the moment which is kinda funny cause its so ridiculous but not so much cause my friggin eating habbits are off the chart. I have incredibly poor impulse control at the moment so its all chocolate plus the girls have all been baking goodies which I absolutely have to sample completely finish off and for some reason i have a thing for butter? wtf?

I'm back at work now which is fine, I guess, whatever. Right now I have constantly itchy feet and just want to be outa here already.

On the up side in the last two weeks I have had three sightings (or run in's) of who I regard as one of the prettiest people on the planet which is always nice and makes me smile like an idiot. Also I met two really, really nice guys when I was out on the town the other night like actually genuinely nice guys, also nice looking guys. Um hello? where have they been hiding?

month in review : 

Completely unproductive, must get more organised.

I want to have sex with Caleb's voice, plus the concert was rad.

Football started and it was great, then just okay, then not so cool, then great, now yeah okay.

St Paddy's day was its usual shenanigans awesome to be out with the Porritt People

SKINS <3

Saved the least possible amount of money ever and at this rate will end up in canada on my fourtieth birthday.

I went to the hairdresser an un reasonable three times in the month of March, me thinks that's a bit obsessive.

I realise I'm a bit late with this considering we are now half way through April but I've been on holiday for the first half of April so sue me.

11 days...

two very, very boozy evenings, one massive hangover, three football playing days, one football watching day, two runs, one library trip, two days shopping, lots of music listening, some gardening, one painting, one finished book, four different nail colours, endless amounts of tea, one night out for dinner, one boat trip, an appointment at the hairdresser, no ciggarettes, some cleaning, one skins marathon, one movie fucking great movie, ten new downloads, one foot massage, a lot of easter eggs/chocolate/hot cross buns, and one mangled leg...

so i pretty much did nothing for my time off, it was fantastic...

today a great, great friend of mine came to visit me, someone i absolutely love to bits who i haven't seen in like six months and that's not even an exaggeration i think the last time i saw her was my birthday. i miss her loads so it was a nice surprise to see her. we were laughing about how slack i am at keeping in touch. (not that she's any better!) she moved out of the city and i haven't seen her since and it just so happens the same thing has happened to another one of my friends recently. (reminder: must catch up with mandy) so never leave the city if you would like to see me, apparently i'm only friends with people based on location. this doesn't fare well for my new year's resolution to keep in better touch with friends although i think i'm doing pretty well with some, thank god for facebook. still there is another nine months to go so...

i had my first game of football for the season this weekend, well it was a pre-season charity thing but a game none the less. it was really nice to play again its been a long time but football sunday's are still kinda bittersweet for me, i'm hoping it gets better as i go along. interestingly i don't feel as sore as i thought i would today but it definately reminds you of some muscles that you never knew you had.

i am in desperate need of being locked into porritt for the weekend so that i don't spend any money and i think this weekend will be it. with the exception of course of friday night when i will be gigging out listening to the sweet, sweet sounds of kings in concert. but friday does not count as the weekend does it? the rest of the weekend will be spent sorting my shit out in order to leave the country, writing lists (one of my favourite things to do) and painting.

I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I wish I had a switch for my brain so I could just turn it off for a bit. It always seems to kick into action/ overdrive right around sleep o'clock whenever that happens to be. It's like it waits, just waits for the darkness to kick in before it sets out for work Sometimes it's exhausting. Actually it's exhausting a lot.

I've had a bit of a blow out weekend I've managed to do everything I shouldn't have done and nothing I should have. Oh well a least I had a bit of fun doing it. This week is looking to be busy lots of training, lots to get done at work and I really have a lot of shit to get organised. 

p.s this thursday cannot come soon enough...   

my dad is trying to kick me out of the country as soon as possible it seems. i mean there supportive then theres 'just piss off already would you?' i think we are nearing that point. he sends me vancouver city newsletters to my email. i guess its pretty sweet really but I am starting to wonder?

i have been trying to hold back on the partying recently due to lack of funds and for my own general sanity. so not having really been out in a while i proceeded to make the most of friday night. thanks to the jimmy i had a bottle of bubbles burning a hole in my fridge (not really, i think it spent a total of 20 minutes in there before i cracked it open) which i drank whilst talking shit with SR and playing dress ups. it was one of those extremely fun nights in town where i danced constantly and not very well for hours. it was nice no drama just lots of laughs good friends and my own little fun bubble.

i feel i should be more productive. at the moment i just get home from work and i'm like wow, lookit, couch, blah and proceed to sit there doing nothing all evening. not that spending time with the girls is not cool and i do love what toby provides for me that bastard is addictive. i just feel there could be and definately are more useful ways i could be using my time right now. especially since i keep kicking myself for all the things i haven't got to yet. my lack of motivation let me show it to you.

i have been forced on leave for work and i'm actually kinda stoked about it god knows i could do with a holiday in which i go no where and do nothing for a change. so in april 11 days of absolutely nothing. or possibly getting to do some of the stuff that i should be getting done.

ftr: i LOVE that i'm back into training...

things i must do

+ must finish a painting

+ must get le ginge her jandles baby's got no shoes

+ must go to the friggin supermarket this week

+ must get my passport photos done


so anyway fingers crossed for sleep tonight guys...

I hit six months smokefree on saturday...

Possibly when I'm fit I'll feel like a super hero but at the moment I think they fact that I'm the most unfit I've ever been in forever is robbing me of any positive side effects of being smokefree. at the moment it kinda feels like I'm depriving myself of something I LOVE (cause i do, i have a complete infactuation with cigarettes, I admit it) with no pay out. I'm not saying I'm going out right now to buy a pack of fags or anything but you know, I was told there'd be good things. I thought there'd be some kind of redemption or something? No?

So i'm slap bang in the middle of my long weekend come down and man its a bastard, tell me why I don't like Mondays.
All I'm getting are rude people at work today, one lady refused to repeat her name for me, apparently I should have got it the first time and that time only. It's not like it was my tenth straight call or anything. And of course eveyone is most put out and a little abusive about me not being able to give them everything for nothing. I'm totally hanging out for this weekend cause well, duh, no work you know. But bonus is, my dad comes down Friday to take me to a gig (he reckons we don't get to hang together enough, so cute) then I'm flying home with him Saturday morning for my friends wedding. It's going to be a father daughter weekend, we already have a surfing date set up for Sunday so fingers crossed the surf gods provide. Although precedent has it, it will turn flat as soon as I touch down. Que sera sera. At least I get to chill at home for a bit, one of these days though I'm going to plan a trip that lasts longer than two days.

Live music + surfing + trip home = perfect weekend

Um, I totes broke the budget this weekend. I was really truly trying to have a quiet, relaxing weekend at home. I made it to 10pm but then I was talking to a friend who was out and you know me and my rubber arm, well, anyway early hours of the morning I crawled home with a substantially lighter wallet. Fail.

Things I need to stop saying every five seconds:

'You have no idea' cause really, usually, they probably do have an idea...

thus then in brief:

+ my book came, finally, now i'm furiously trying to finish 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' (which is amazingly well written BTW) so that i can get my eric learning started...

+ i went to taranaki on the weekend, just overnight but GOD it was nice to get out of the city and close to actual coast line beaches... also body surfing fun ensued, not as good as an actual surf but a close second none the less... 

+ i have honestly had THE most productive day at work ever... its a really good feeling...

+ you ever get the feeling someone might be trying to set you up but you're not sure and you don't want to ask or imply and look like a dick.. hmm yeah me neither...

+ georgia is thinking of maybe doing some time in canada which makes me excited but i don't wana get my hopes up or anything just in case you know...

+ i have a budget and i'm pretty much sticking to it... it leaves me destitute for the week but i've nearly paid of my credit card and i have money going into my savings regularly... CANADA see how close you're getting!

Well I’m crap and was supposed to post this last week but you know whatevs…

….. Last week was a low one and I’m wondering if it hasn’t been due to my endless fantasizing and overly optimistic enthusiasm for the New Year to be amazing, the year of legends even, I fear I’m building it up to fail quite spectacularly at achieving my expectations.

I have put way to much pressure on 2009. There are big things planned that I hope I don’t run away from, I guess I just need to stop worrying about things and just get on with it.

( two zero zero eight... )